In the Details, Part Two

If you missed the first installment of this series, please go back and read it here.  As I stated before, I am doing this series at the request of a friend who requested my exegetical assistance.  I’m always happy to oblige.

The passage in question this time is as follows:

You shall also have a place outside the camp and go out there, and you shall have a spade among your tools, and it shall be when you sit down outside, you shall dig with it and shall turn to cover up your excrement.
~Deuteronomy 23:12-13

An easy, modern paraphrase would be this: “Don’t think your *bleep* don’t stink.”  However, this message is couched in much more biblical terms, in keeping with its context.  The point is, keep that stuff covered.  Everybody poops, but no one wants to see it or smell it.  So, if you’re camping, bury your poo out of respect for all.  If you’re not camping, FLUSH!  And turn around to see whether a double-flush may be necessary.

You’re welcome.

In the Details, Part One

A dear friend requested a little Angela-wisdom concerning a few passages of Scripture.  I am more than happy to oblige, as I realize how difficult it is for most people to understand the deep, spiritual implications of seemingly random bits of detailed information.  Amanda, apparently, is no different from most of you in feeling absolutely stumped.  Never fear!  I have no trouble with these things.  Onward to Scripture #1!

The passage in question:

All the winged insects that walk on all fours are detestable to you. Yet these you may eat among all the winged insects which walk on all fours: those which have above their feet jointed legs with which to jump on the earth.  These of them you may eat: the locust in its kinds, and the devastating locust in its kinds, and the cricket in its kinds, and the grasshopper in its kinds. But all other winged insects which are four-footed are detestable to you.
~Leviticus 11:20-23

First of all, this is an incredibly startling passage to those of us who find all winged insects detestable, regardless of appendages.  However, we must remember that God’s ancient peoples did not have the luxury of Chick-fil-A, nor did they have an H-E-B at every major intersection.  They had to kill for their food, people, and they didn’t even have guns.  Sometimes you get in a hurry.  The busy-ness of the day catches up to you, and dinner-time looks you straight in the face, reminding you that you’ve run out of time to take down a wild animal, skin it, cut it up into manageable pieces, and make something tasty out of it.  Put simply, bugs were the original fast food.

But, you can’t just go around eating wingy four-footed bugs all willy-nilly.  Only locusts (presumably the non-devastating kind), devastating locusts, crickets, and grasshoppers are acceptable.  That must mean that all other wingy four-foots are evil.  That begs the question: “What makes locusts, devastating locusts, crickets, and grasshoppers holy?”

I’m glad you asked.  Did you notice the bit about having jointed legs?  This is important, but I bet many of you skimmed over it.  Not having joints in your legs is just one step away from having no legs at all.  Well, we all know what doesn’t have legs: the satan serpent.  What could be more evil?  So, we’re keeping our distance, just in case.

And why specifically are we only allowed the locust, the devastating locusts, the crickets, and the grasshoppers?  It’s obvious.  Locusts and grasshoppers are very clean little bugs.  They eat healthy things.  You eat them, you eat healthy.  Now, what about the scavenging little cricket, you ask?

It’s just so God can laugh at you for eating something gross.  It’s one of His many pranks, and you can bet there’s an epic three-way high-five every time someone eats a cricket.

A Monday Silly

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: “Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?”

Don’t laugh; he won.

Unbelievable

Because I’m So Sleepy,

but I want to be faithful to those who check every day!  Love you – here’s something silly:

Creative Puns

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

18. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

19. A backward poet writes inverse.

20. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

TLOTTGMOTTMPT

(For part one, click here.)

1. Soggy bar soap.  This grosses me out regardless of its location, but there is a clear correlation between how well I know the person and my level grossed-outedness.  Please offer pump hand soap.
2. Wet hand-towels.  See above.  But, my grossed-outedness factor is also affected greatly by how wet said towel is.
3. Wet straw wrappers.  I don’t know why, but if that wrapper gets wet, I feel like the straw is dirty.  I’ll still use it and everything, provided I know where the wetness came from, but I’m still pretty grossed out, and I’ll drink less water because of it.
4. When the server allows the water pitcher to actually touch my glass, which has presumably touched hundreds of other germy glasses.  Again, I’ll still drink the water – mostly because I am always using a straw – but I’m still bothered by it.
5. Clean, wet clothes falling to the floor before making it to the dryer.  It takes everything within me to not just throw it back in the washing machine.  I want to very badly, but I just try to keep my floor clean and think about the environment.
6. Pacifiers hitting the floor, getting sucked on by moms, and then re-inserted into baby.  Blech.
7. Tank tops or wife beaters on men, regardless of their physique.  It’s just not attractive.
8. Raw tomatoes.  I can’t believe this didn’t make the first list.  I want to vomit when gushy tomato insides leak onto my food.
9. Nail clippings left haphazardly wherever one decides to clip one’s nails, against the preferences of one’s spouse.
10. The term “feminine napkins.”  Napkins? REALLY?  Ugh…

How Old Are You?

Age has always been a big deal to me.  Even in my late twenties, I take every opportunity to claim that I’m “almost” whatever the next age happens to be.  Just like a six-year-old, I begin looking toward my next birthday about 8 months out — mostly because I have looked exactly the same for the last 15 years.  Despite reassurances that I’ll appreciate it later, I just about lose it every time people make off-handed comments about how I look way too young for whatever it is they’re talking about.  You see, I know what they’re really saying.

It’s funny, though, that we classify people by age and define age as the amount of time since birth.  Board games call for the youngest player to begin, and participants start throwing out birthdays to determine who the baby is.  That’s completely false logic!  Don’t we (pro-lifers) believe that life begins at conception?  Or, pro-do-anything-you-wanters, was I not alive the day before I exited my mother’s womb?  If I had been born premature, would I really be “older?”  Is someone who was supposed to be born a month after me, but came early, actually older than me? 

This is so completely unfair.  I demand a recount.

New Rule: Age should be calculated from conception. 

So, if I was born in October, that places conception around Januaryish.  I’m already 27 going on 28!  Woo hoo!

(Or, I can just move to Jupiter.)

Let’s Talk Q-Tips

Props to the Q-Tip.  They’re the only ones that figured out the cotton swab.  Have you ever bought a knock-off brand, either by accident or to save a few cents?  Well, it’s a disaster of epic proportions. 

Other brands (Johnson’s) have a totally weak, bendy, plastic middle.  What the flip?!  Besides being worse for the environment, it’s a totally ineffective base!  How am I gonna get any good leverage with a gummy worm?  Get serious.

And what’s the deal with being stingy on the cotton?  It’s a COTTON SWAB!  There should be a good pad of cotton on the end!  What, am I supposed to clean my ears with a tiny pipe covered with a kleenex?  Get serious.

Yeah I said “get serious” twice in a row.  (Three times, now.)  Repetition generally indicates importance.

The Q-Tip is the only way to go if you want clean, happy earholes.  Trust me.  Long live the Q-Tip!

Good Morning!

I have nothing of any great relevance to say except that I am on the last week of my three-week journey through a writing workshop.  (WOO-HOO!)  I’m still learning and still writing and that, quite frankly, is why I don’t have a blog today.  Jesus has been a bit busy with me and He hasn’t given me much time to write to you. 

But, I hope you have a FANTASTIC Wednesday and I hope to have something useful to say tomorrow! 

Love ya!

I Hate Poetry

Except when it’s like this.

 

The Courtship
George Ella Lyon

When Sickly Jim Wilson’s first wife died
he tried to carry on
keep house and farm his scrabbly land
and it like to broke him.
All them kids were too old to stay put
and too young to carry water.  There was no one
to cook, wash, or sew, no one but Sickly Jim
and him the same body who must milk the cow
and plant the scanty hay.  Soon he saw
he had to have another wife.

He considered the prospects on the creek,
listed them according to his favor:
Widow Jones, Miss Creech, the oldest Phillips girl,
and even Mossie Maggem.  The thought of Mossie
made his belly cold, but next morning he set out.

Widow Jones was stringing beans on her hillside
porch.  He rode right up to the rail.
“Morning Miz Jones.  How are you now?”
“Working steady,” was her answer,
“and how about yourself?”  ”Not faring well,
not faring well at all.  If I’m to farm
and raise my kids, I’ve got to have a helpmeet.
That’s why I’m here.  It looks to me
like you might be the one. What do you say?”

She studied him, walked to the edge of the porch.
“I didn’t think wives were got
the way a man gets pigs or harness.
I thought it usually took a little time
and a feller got off his horse.”
“You know, Miz Jones, I mean no offense
but time’s a thing I’ve run short of.
I’ve got babies crying at home
and so I speak out plain.”
“Well give me the day.  You come back
around suppertime for my answer.”
“No ma’am.  I need a wife before that.”
He looked at the paper in his hand.
“You’re the first on my list, but if you
can’t oblige, I’ll be off to try Miss Creech.”

He settled his hat, turned his horse,
and was almost out of the yard
when she called to him, “I’ve given it thought.
It’s clear I’m the wife you need.
Hold till Sunday and I’ll marry you.”
And that’s just what she did.