AOYWTOEYWB – Week Five

If you were paying very close attention, you may have noticed that I didn’t post anything about Every Young Woman’s Battle last week.  That’s because, due to a youth function, we did not have our regular meeting.  But, we’re up and running again tonight, and I have a few things to share with you about what struck me from chapters nine and ten.

Chapter nine was all about women and girls pursuing guys and using their sexuality as manipulation.  Ladies, we now live in a post-sexual-revolution society.  We have rights; we have equality.  Apparently along with those things came the tendency to behave like animals.  While I do agree that it’s male chauvinistic to call a girl a slut while slapping her sexual partner on the back, it’s not okay that women so embraced sexual “freedom” that they became as piggish as the men they so despised.

It’s ironic to me, because I thought one of the major points of the Woman Movement was to get men to take us seriously; to see us as more than just tools for sexual pleasure and baby-making.  So, now women openly display their goods to every passerby.  They share their bodies with multiple men — sometimes men they met only hours before.  And then what happens?  The men play and walk away, with no commitment required or desired.  And well, our bodies are still built to conceive.  We’ve gone from hopeless homemakers trapped in a marriage to stressed, single mothers desperately seeking a “real man” who will make a commitment to a family he didn’t create.  And this is better, how?

Well, I went off on a tangent that the book didn’t go on.  That’s okay, because I didn’t highlight much from the chapter.  It wasn’t a bad chapter, it was just geared toward teenagers.  I took it to the next level because I’m getting old, I guess.

Chapter ten was all about dressing appropriately.  It’s hard to do in this society, to be sure.  But it’s not impossible.  And it’s certainly not unimportant.  The way you dress says a lot about you.  You want to dress to impress, of course.  But what kind of impression do you want to make?

You teach people how to treat you.  Either you teach them to treat you with respect or you teach them to treat you with disrespect.  Whether you intend to or not, the way you dress…sends others a message.  (p. 89)

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that many young girls simply don’t realize the effect their clothing choices have on others.  I know I didn’t.  It really didn’t occur to me that wearing revealing clothing could lead someone into sin.  If it had occurred to me, I don’t know that I would have felt responsible anyway.  But, I encourage you ladies, young, old, and in between, to assess your closets.  Is what you’re wearing communicating your love for Christ above all else?  Is it even communicating respect for yourself and others?

AOYWTOEYWB – Week Four

This week, I read chapters seven and eight.  Chapter seven dealt with internet dating and general safety online.  It’s interesting, because the whole virtual world unfolded during my teen years.  My family jumped on the AOL bandwagon, and I was among the first to enter chat rooms and to instant message.  I’ll admit, I talked to lots of people I didn’t know personally, and the whole experience was exciting.  It was crazy to me that I could be “instantly” communicating with people from all over the country and, sometimes, all over the world.  I had a lot of fun!

I wasn’t very careful, though.  I didn’t think about predators.  I didn’t think about safety.  I look back with horror, however, and hope that my kids will be smarter.  The problem back then was that it was uncharted territory, and no one warned me about anything.  I don’t think my parents even really thought to regulate or monitor my online activities.  (Heck, even they enjoyed chat rooms.  Again, it was new and different.)  The problem today is that everyone’s reminding teens of the dangers, but too many don’t take these warnings seriously.  Even NBC’s To Catch a Predator just doesn’t register.

Anyway, I highlighted two things from this chapter.  Here’s the first:

When you first meet a guy and spend hours talking with him, it feels exciting and stimulating.  But be careful not to mistake intensity for intimacy.  Intensity fades as the newness wears off, but intimacy continues to blossom the longer you know a person.  (p. 64)

The authors tackled head-on the common argument that people can find real intimacy with an online friend/boyfriend.  The person on the other end of that instant message is doing exactly what you are: showing and telling what he wants to show and tell.  It could be innocent, or not.  Either way, don’t assume that you’ve found someone who just totally “gets you” online.  It’s not the same as really knowing a person and seeing him interact in the real world.

The second thing in chapter seven that really stuck out to me touched on internet accountability:

You may not think that anyone else has a right to know about your cyberactivities or communications, but where there are no secrets, there are no lies. ( p. 68 )

The bottom line is: You should not be the only person with the password to your personal email account.  Surely at work, you know that technical support (or whoever deals with the computer stuff) can read all of your work emails and monitor everything you do online.  So hopefully that, if nothing else, keeps you in check in that arena.  But your personal email/blog/Facebook/MySpace is a different thing.  It’s easy to keep secret, and it’s easy to get in trouble.  Someone close to you, someone who loves Jesus deeply and loves you deeply, should have access.  If you’re married, that person should absolutely be your spouse.

Chapter Eight!  I’m already getting long-winded, as per usual.  This chapter was about abuse, and its tendencies to engender within its victims feelings of brokenness, anger, worthlessness, shame, and guilt.

After talking about how absurd it would be for newlyweds to use their brand-new fine china as dog dishes, the authors posed the question as to whether those pieces of china would still inherently possess value.  Their answer:

SURE!  Even though they’ve been misused and abused, they can still be used for the valuable purposes for which they were created.  (p.70)

After sharing ways young women can, by seeking help, conquer many of the effects of abuse, the authors go on to offer more, very valuable, pieces of wisdom in closing the chapter:

The status of your purity isn’t determined by whether anyone has penetrated your genitals or physically forced you to do things you didn’t want to do, but by whether you have chosen to use your body to sexually stimulate or grant sexual pleasure to another.  If you have never made that kind of conscious, willing decision, but were raped or sexually abused, you are still pure. (p. 76)

Remember, you are a child of God, the bride of Christ, and a precious daughter of the King of the universe.  Even if someone treats you less than royally or uses you for a purpose other than what God intended, never forget who you really are. (p. 77)

AOYWTOEYWB – Week Three

So, I had to miss last week’s meeting because I had the sickies, but I got the reading assignment and plowed through anyway!  I read chapters 4-6.

Chapter four dealt with myths that girls believe.  One of them concerned how girls dress.  Interestingly, the authors used Luke 17:1-2 to back up their point:

Jesus said to his disciples: “Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come.  It would be better for [her] to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around [her] neck than for [her] to cause [another] to sin.”  (pp. 31-32)

I have never heard this particular verse used in an argument against dressing provocatively, but I liked it.  A lot of girls and women feel that if a man lusts after her, it’s his own fault for being some sort of pre-historic pig who can’t control himself.  His sin is his problem.  However, it is not only his problem if he is led into sin because of a girl’s indiscreet clothing choices.  Reading this myth reminded me of a saying, but I can’t remember who said it:

From a guy’s perspective, if you’re willing to show it, you’re willing to share it.

If that’s not true, cover up.  Buy your real size and keep your [future] husband’s territory sacred.  Stop following the crowd.  (If the quote is true, however, that’s another issue entirely.)

Another myth dealt with this intense desire within many girls and women to have a boyfriend:

Newsflash.  If you think you need a boyfriend, you are not ready for a boyfriend.
…
No man can ever make you feel like you are somebody.  That comes from knowing how special you are to God and from becoming the person God created you to be.
…
If you are a godly, goal-oriented individual, you are going to attract the same.  But if your life amounts to nothing but finding someone to fill that vacuum in your soul, you are going to attract another desperate person.  The two of you will be like two ticks without a dog, just sucking the lifeblood out of each other.  And if you think you had problems before, just wait until you try to navigate through the muddy waters of a dysfunctional relationship!
(p. 33, 34)

Wow.  There’s nothing I can really add to that, except to completely agree and to say, “Kudos!”

Finishing up chapter four, two things stuck out to me:

Remember, what you date is what you are going to marry.  Be sure that the young men you date do not need a character overhaul, by you or anyone else. (p.37)

…fearing judgment, girls usually don’t openly discuss their sex lives with other females. ( p. 38 )

Girls are weird.  We are too idealistic, and we end up following our hearts right into heartbreak way too often.  We see that a funny, cute guy is interested, and we forget many of our standards.  That can lead a girl right into sexual sin, and that sexual sin brings incredible guilt because none of us talk about it.  So, it’s a private struggle that can destroy our self-concept and identity in Christ.  I wish I had had girls to keep me accountable, whom I trusted and whom I was honest with.  It would have saved me a lot of heartache.

That was a lot about chapter 4, and I bet you’re not that interested now in hearing about chapters 5 and 6.  So, I’ll keep it brief.

Chapter 5 was about masturbation.  It was awkward for me to read, even though I was alone and not talking to anyone about it.  I didn’t even highlight anything.  But, I was impressed with how frank the writers were.  I was impressed that they took a stand and called it for what it is: sin.  I have heard some teachers in the church say that masturbation is just a natural means of self-exploration.  The authors of this book, however, highlight the addictive nature of the practice, as well as the sexual desires it arouses.  They rightly reference Ephesians 5:3, Colossians 3:5, and 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5.

Chapter 6 was about self-image and distorted ideas on beauty.  The authors referenced Sharon Hersh’s book, “Mom, I Feel Fat,” where middle school girls described the perfect girl.  They are listed in order of importance:

thin

blond

popular

beautiful

athletic

has big breasts

has a boyfriend

confident

straight white teeth (no braces!)

has her own car

doesn’t have zits

has her own phone  (p. 53)

That sounds about right.  I would have to say that, with a few minor adjustments and the addition of spiritual traits, I agree.  This is where all of us girls are very sadly mistaken.  I don’t have a lot to say about this, except that I share body image issues with many girls and women out there.  I will never be skinny enough or pretty enough.  And I even got a hot guy to marry me!  The very best thing I can do is end with another quote that I found very convicting:

As we close this chapter on body image, we would like you to think about the women you respect and admire.  Consider female Bible characters, historical figures, or special ladies in your own life and make a list of those who impress you the most…  Why are the women you listed so special?   (p.59)

I doubt it’s because they’re hot.

AOYWTOEYWB – Week Two

For this week, we were asked to read chapter three of Every Young Woman’s Battle. The chapter opens with a funny scene from My Wife and Kids, where the father is concerned about his daughter’s virtue.  He worries that her date will cross the line, and when his wife asks exactly what line he’s talking about, he answers, “The panty line!”  The writers of this book then ask a very pertinent question:

…is the panty line really where compromise begins? (p. 23)

This reminds me of the discussions we used to have about how far was “too far.”  Everyone had differing opinions, but we all agreed that “actual” sex was not okay.  If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone talk about technical virginity…   It’s sad to think about it, really.  We were all just trying to manipulate the system — getting what we wanted, while “technically” not breaking the big rule.

It is now my opinion that, if this was our motivation, we might as well have just gone ahead and done everything under the sun.  We weren’t in any way trying to honor God.  Our choices were not made out of a trembling fear of His holiness, or out of a deep awe of His grace, but they sprang out of a pitiful little game of hide-and-seek.  I’m not sure which we really thought: that we were really keeping secrets from God, or that God wasn’t really watching.  We certainly couldn’t have believed in the real God who truly is not mocked.

I now believe that if your choices to obey don’t come from a deep appreciation for who God is, and a profound desire to honor Him, then it’s all meaningless.  Choosing abstinence because your parents, your church, or even your Bible tell you to is not going to get you anywhere meaningful.  It has to spring from true, deep, personal faith.  If it doesn’t, then what’s the point?

The book goes on to discuss sexual integrity as a whole:

Again, your sexuality isn’t what you do. Your sexuality is who you are, and you are made with a body, mind, heart, and spirit, not just a body.  So, sexual integrity is not just about remaining physically abstinent.  It is about purity in all four aspects of your being — body, mind, heart, and spirit.  (p. 25)

Any compromise whatsoever — physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual — will affect your sexual integrity as a whole.  One infected part will eventually infect all of its corresponding parts or, at the very least, rob you of the sexual wholeness and fulfillment that God longs for you to have. (p. 27)

Any compromise.  That’s true.  It’s not just about what you did or didn’t do.  It’s about the intent.  You can do nothing physically and still compromise your sexual integrity — and thus your commitment to your holy God — with your thoughts.  It’s an impossibly high standard; all the more reason to press into Him.

And, from page 29:

Questions of Compromise Don’t Ask	Questions of Integrity Do Ask
Are my actions lawful? Will anyone find out? Would anyone condemn me? Is this socially acceptable? Are my clothes too revealing? How can I get what I want? Can I get away with saying this? Will this hurt anyone?	Are my actions loving to others? Is this something I’d be proud of? Is this my highest standard? Is this in line with my convictions? Am I dressing for attention? What is my motive for wanting this? Would this be better left unsaid? Will this benefit others?

My only beef with these questions is that a few of them focus too much on self.  We can always find ways to justify our actions if we put ourselves at the center.  So I would suggest asking questions like, “Is this something Christ would say is befitting of a good and faithful servant?” or “Am I representing Christ well by doing this?”  Perhaps this is only guilt-tripping.  Guilt is imperfect, sure, but it can sometimes be a stepping-stone to true repentance.  In repentance is great freedom, and great joy.

AOYWTOEYWB – Week One

“An Older Young Woman’s Take on Every Young Woman’s Battle” seemed like an awfully long post title, so I created a convenient acronym.  (It’s pronounced “ey-oh-yew-toe-yewb.”)

I first heard about the “Every Man” series when Arterburn and Stoeker wrote Every Man’s Battle.  (Except it wasn’t a series yet.)  It was advertised out the whazoo on the Christian talk radio station I listened to all day at my desk job in the early 2000s (haha – I’ve never used that term before; should I have said the early ’00s?)  The book was possibly over-advertised, but I appreciated the efforts to empower men to take the lead in fiercely guarding their sexual integrity in this over-sexed society.

As a late teen, I wished there was a book for me that would help me apply Scripture to this area of my life.  I struggled with finding my identity in Christ, and I tended to look to boyfriends to alleviate my insecurities about myself.  Happily, God has gotten the book, Every Young Woman’s Battle, written since that time.  It’s no longer directly relevant to me, as a married woman in her late 20s, but it’s available for all the young Angelas out there.  And I hope they read it.

My church just started a small group based on this book for teenage girls.  I am not the teacher, but I was invited to attend.  Last Sunday was our “get to know you” meeting, and tonight is our first meeting about the actual book.  We were asked to read the first two chapters.  I did, and I wanted to share my immediate thoughts.

Quotes that stood out to me:

“Ignorance is not a spiritual gift.  You can be wise and innocent.” ( p. 8 )

This book is very frank about sex.  Some may be surprised or offended that a “Christian” book could be so seemingly indelicate.  But, there’s nothing wrong with being honest.  In fact, sometimes our efforts to be “appropriate” go too far and we do a disservice to our youth.  You have to talk about what’s important.

“Sadly, we know of many girls who had sex when all they really wanted was someone to hold them… Never assume a guy feels what you feel.” (p.19)

Guys and girls/men and women are simply wired differently.  Read a biology textbook, or just look around you.  Men are hard-wired to want sex just for the sake of having sex, and they’re therefore easily aroused.  That’s to ensure the continuation of the human race.  A woman, on the other hand, craves emotional security and love.  That, among other things, is to ensure a safe home for her children.  This foundational difference in females makes it hard for us to separate our feelings from sexual intimacy.  That is part of why premarital sex introduces pain, confusion, and strain into a relationship.

“Imagine what it is like when two sexually pure people get married…and she is the only naked woman he has ever seen…  And she has never been held so intimately that she knows the smell of any man’s skin but his…  Now that is what God wants sex to be.  No comparison.  No disappointment.  Only good, clean fun between husband and wife.” (pp.21-22)

That, of course, is the ideal.  I’m excited to see how this book empowers young women to fiercely guard their own sexuality and to view faithfulness to their future husbands as their ongoing responsibility, even in middle school and high school!