If God Were Real …from my journal

November 28, 2009

I’m reading a new book, If God Were Real by John Avant.  It’s not deeply philosophical or theological, and it’s a pretty easy read.  I was actually slightly hesitant about it, because I think a lot of “Christian” books are a load of crap mass-marketed to pay for someone’s posh lifestyle… [But this book] was written by a pastor who has witnessed a deep sickness in the American church.  His premise is very obvious from his title — if God were real, or if we really believed he were real, our lives and our churches would be radically different.  It’s not that profound, really; it’s completely obvious.  But, he’s saying the types of things about the institution of Christianity that Jesus said about the Pharisees and priests.  They didn’t want to hear it then, and no one wants to hear it now.  He’s asking all the right questions — salvation-issue questions — but does it matter?  Will American “Christians” listen?  Will I listen?  What can I do to really be different?  What am I doing?  I want desperately to not waste my life.  I want to be a radical follower of Jesus.  But, what does that even look like in postmodern America?  I guess I’m currently on this quest to be a true follower.  Not a “good” Christian or an “upstanding” citizen, but a sold-out, I don’t care if I lose my job or home over it, eternal-perspective-seeing, desperately-loving follower of Jesus of Nazareth.  I mean, shouldn’t true believers be a little subversive?  Shouldn’t we be dangerous?  Peter and Paul were dangerous, and I don’t think their cultural setting is much different from ours.  We’re too comfortable.  The tragic thing is, the road to hell is a joyful, comfortable one.  My level of comfort is causing me to question my sincerity and my level of usefulness.  I want desperately to be useful.  I don’t want to live and die for a country, for a religious institution, for a way of life.  I want to live and die for the Creator, Savior, and Sustainer.  Anything less is a waste of my soul.  Oh, Father, teach me!

~Maranatha

Contract or Covenant?

So, my sort-of boss took our department out for sushi dinner last night.  By “sort-of,” I mean “department head,” and by “department,” I mean myself and the other ESL teacher.  So, there were three of us.  It was super-nice of her to do that, and I had one glorious glass of merlot along with sashimi and sushi.  Yummo!

It was really interesting to go out socially with my department head.  While the other ESL teacher has a room next to mine, and we talk all the time, that is not the case with “the boss.”  She’s always Ms. Business as Usual, and the fact that her classroom is about 14.2 light-years away doesn’t do much for developing a friendship.  So, everything’s been very professional between us.

After her second glass of wine, (don’t worry, BBBs, I only skated on the fringes of blasphemy with one glass), she appeared to me as a real person, complete with insecurities and opinions on life.  That’s funny, because I was always sure those things existed, but I had never witnessed them.  One such opinion on life dealt with marriage, divorce, and keeping separate estates.

To those of you who are currently married to your first and only spouse, have you ever tried to talk to a divorcée about marriage, or trust and commitment within marriage?  I waffle between not even bothering and really wanting to share my core, Christ-centered beliefs.

Sidenote: This is a recurring theme in my life.  In my family, I am perpetually the little sister.  I will always be the baby.  It doesn’t matter what I have experienced or what I have accomplished; I will never know what I’m talking about.  Therefore, I usually keep my mouth shut.

I learned yesterday that my department head was previously married.  Somehow, the topic came up about finances within marriage.

“Angela, Angela, Angela!  Separate estates!  Sign on the dotted line so you both know what belongs to whom!  You just have to do that!  You don’t know if you’ll still be with him in ten years!”

She rubbed her temples in disbelief at my naiveté.  The other offered:

“She’s still young.  It’s nice that she trusts her husband.”

Nice? I would submit that it’s essential!  Thoughts flooded my head about the life-long commitment of marriage and how I carefully and prayerfully chose my husband.  I married for life; there’s no going back!  I looked from experienced face to experienced face before responding, and I knew what their reactions would be.  I’ve gotten it all my life; I’m just a little girl.

Dinner was wrapping up anyway, so I just left it with a very weak, “I’m in it for the long haul.  We trust each other.”  The subject changed to wrapping-it-up types of comments before we stood up and left.

But, I felt like I should have said more.  I felt caught because of my age and my professional relationship with these women.  I didn’t want to over-step bounds, nor did I want to get into some sort of debate when I am clearly the least experienced in marriage and family.

Regardless, I should have stood up for the truth of what God created marriage to be.  It’s for life.  If you feel the need to sign a pre-nuptial agreement, then there’s no point in getting married.  You’re essentially saying two things:

1. I have no confidence that our marriage is any more important or lasting than a dating relationship.
2. I don’t trust that you have my best interests at heart.  I forsee not only divorce, but also your selfish ambition leading you toward taking my livelihood and everything I’ve worked for out from under me.

That is no way to start a marriage.  I may be young, but I know that much.

I did not enter into a contract with a human that can be broken when feelings, situations, or preferences change.  The State of Texas may see it that way for legal reasons, but that was never our primary intention.  As followers of Christ, our marriage is a life-long covenant to God.  I certainly did not pledge to the Almighty God of the universe that I would live my entire life with a man I didn’t even trust with a checkbook.

(But, I’ve come to realize the only way to convince anyone is to just get old and stay married.)

Hi, My Name is Angela

and I’m a sinner.

• I am chronically selfish.
• I get bored in church sometimes because I’m not being entertained.
• I put myself before others.  (Secretly, of course.)
• I keep the Gospel to myself.
• I take the easy way out.
• I actively avoid people that annoy me.
• I’m addicted to the computer, sometimes at the expense of my relationship with God.
• I care about my blog stats.
• I pretty much think I know how to run a church correctly.  Just ask me; I can fix anything.
• I judge people’s facebook pictures and statuses. 
• I gossip. 
• I get irrationally aggravated when people think I’m younger than I am.  (You know, that’s pretty much every day.  I’m almost 27, people.)
• I like teaching people lessons.
• I don’t pray like I should.
• I can easily see the speck on your eyelash, but I can’t see the tree in my face.
• I have an insatiable feeling of entitlement.  (You know, for plumbing and wireless internet.)
• I still haven’t learned Spanish, even after three years of being fairly certain God’s calling me to it.
• I have friends who don’t know Jesus and who haven’t heard about Him from me. 
• I am self-conscious about my housekeeping at the expense of being as hospitable as I should be.
• I can’t go a millisecond without being concerned about my own comfort.
• I’m proud of myself.
• I’ve been known to play the theology police on other people’s blogs.
• I am insecure about being a good wife.
• I am undisciplined.
• I judge others for being undisciplined.
• I feel like I’m in a secret club of the “real” Christians.
• I sometimes seriously doubt my salvation.
• I think too highly of myself.
• I think too little of myself.

Oh my Yeshua.  Who am I that the Lord of all the Earth would care to know my name?

Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done.  Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are!

Friendship Fridays

My friend, Amanda, recently asked for feedback on daily themes for her blog.  I was trying to be witty by offering some alliterative options when I came up with “Friendship Fridays.”  Immediately, I decided I wanted it for my own blog! 

I am going to start dedicating Fridays to my friends.  Watch out; you might get featured. 

To kick off this new tradition, I would like to mention the best Friend of all:

I first met Yeshua when I was about five years old.  I had heard about Him before, but He was never a big part of my life.  Of course, I called him Jesus back then. 

My kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Bennight, was the one who really opened my eyes to the fact that I should think about being friends with Him.  I don’t remember any specifics about what she said, but I do remember feeling this compelling need to pray to Jesus.  After my mom tucked me into bed that night, I told Yeshua that I really wanted to follow Him and that I was really sorry for the bad things that I did.  I told Him that I wanted Him to come live in my heart (which is what all us Baptists used to say).  Then, I fell asleep.

I prayed the same prayer night after night, afraid that God would think that I was just a kid and that I wasn’t serious.  I repeatedly reassured Him that I was not kidding around.  And I imagined Him literally living in my heart.  I pondered how He could fit in there, but I simply concluded that He was magic and could do whatever He wanted.  Silly, but true.  I really believed.

And He has never loosened his grip on me, despite my harlotry.  Now that’s more than a friend; that’s a Savior. 

I love you, Yeshua.

CSE #4: Reading Bible Names

I’ve decided to shorten “Church Search Experience” to “CSE.”  It’s just easier.  I don’t know how many more of these I’ll do anyway, since it looks as though we like this church pretty well.  But, I just had to tell you about something and I wanted to see if you do it, too.

We’re getting to the point where people are recognizing us and calling us by name.  I even got a hug.  We’ve been to this class three consecutive Sundays and the people are really great about welcoming us and making small talk.  (I’m not a huge fan of small talk because I really suck at it, but I am a fan of people making the effort to be friendly.)  In any event, we’re easy to remember.  There are two of us and they already know one another.  Ergo, they only have to remember one couple’s names from week to week. 

I think you know where I’m going with this.  There are no name tags.   Normally, as a seasoned and comfortable church member, I hate name tags.  They’re irritating and I already know everyone anyway.  But, as a chronic visitor, I have come to embrace the name tag.  It just takes so much pressure off and it helps visitors ease into the class without having to ask people over and over what their names are or, like we do, just go along and hope you overhear someone say their names.  It can lead to embarrassment if you pretend for too long and no one conveniently calls their name while you’re talking to them. 

So, in lieu of the name tag, I’m turning to Bibles.  You know how all us BBBs have our names embossed in gold or silver on our leather-bound Scriptures?  That’s my new tactic.  It only works, however,  if you’re sitting next to them and they leave their Bible on the pew during worship.  It’s rather limiting, but we have to resort to unorthodox means in a tagless congregation.

Church Search Experience #2

So, we didn’t go back to the church we went to last week because they don’t have any Bible classes on Sunday.  Since meeting during the week can’t work for us at all, and since having a group we can closely connect with is important, we decided to move on! 

The church we visited this past Sunday was, in a word, great!  I decided to keep my mouth shut this time until Justin gave his opinion.  Luckily, we’re on the same page. 

There’s  a Bible study class full of young marrieds our age.  Here are the things that struck us about the class: 

1. It was really a Bible study.  There was structure to the lesson, the teacher was well-prepared and knowledgeable, and the study was saturated in Scripture.  Every question and every comment was taken back to the Bible and evaluated based on that.
2. There were lots of couples, but not too many.  Too many is a problem because you never get to know anyone; you’re just perpetually visiting and meeting new people.
3. Everyone was very friendly and seemed genuinely glad that we came to visit.  But, they weren’t too intrusive, either.  There has to be a balance.  I want to feel welcome, but I don’t want to feel bombarded.  They did an excellent job of that.
4. As soon as the teacher referenced a verse, the flutter of Bible pages took me back to days when people brought their Bibles to church and actually used them!  Music to my ears. 

As far as “big church” goes, the service was contemporary with a band.  Apparently, our timing couldn’t have been better because they just added this service about two weeks ago.  Before, there was only the traditional option.  I like having the choice.  That being said, it wasn’t a “full house,” but they just started this service.  It was good. 

All in all, we felt comfortable and welcome.  They even gave us cookies for visiting!  We both agree that it’s worth another visit!  Yay!

Church Search Experience #1

Of course, we visited a new church this past Sunday.  Thus began our “Only-God-Knows-How-Long Search to Find a Home.”

We visited a church that we suspected might be slightly bent toward the “Loosey-Goosey Community by the Stream” theology, but we figured we’d give it a go.  Here are the highlights:

The pastor was out super-sick, so we watched a video of the sermon from the night before.  It was pretty good, considering that it was a video.  No point deduction.

The band was awesome.  Yes, I said band.  It’s not even a praise team.  There is no choir.  (There is a tinge of sadness here because it obviously means that there would be no choir for me to join.)  It was a full-fledged band.  They were talented, but unassuming.  While it was a high-caliber presentation, it didn’t seem like a concert at all.  They worshiped.  We worshiped.  Fantastic. 

We were the only two people in the joint with a Bible.  This appears to be a trend in which selected Scriptures are simply tossed up onto the projector screen and no one’s given the time to actually look up the passage.  I tried to look it up anyway, but the auditorium was so dark I couldn’t really read the words.  So, they were actually preventing me from reading the Bible!  Boo.  I will give them the benefit of the doubt on the lighting because we were watching a video.  Maybe it’s not like that normally.  But still, why don’t people bring the Word of God to the House of God anymore?

This is the point of utmost concern: they may not have any Sunday Bible classes.  It seems a lot of churches are breaking into a “Home Group” mentality in which there is no Sunday School, but rather individual little communities that meet on their own to live life together and to study Scripture.  I’m not against that completely.  It’s actually possibly a very good idea, and I probably can’t knock it until I’ve tried it.  However, I have two concerns: 

1. I’m not sure how visitor-friendly it is to make people go to someone’s home and try to see if they like the people.  It just seems so awkward, honestly.  But, I’m not that outgoing, so it could just be me.  
2. We really can’t commit to any time besides Sunday morning.  And, even then, sometimes Justin has to work.  Hospitals are always open and, unfortunately, between work and work, I’m only consistently free on Sunday mornings.  So, if this is all they have to offer, it could really be a deal-breaker.  I’d like to try it, because I like the idea of it, but it just won’t work for us right now. 

Anyway, we both agreed it was worth another shot if they have Sunday classes.  An email or two to the staff should clear that up shortly.  In any event, I enjoyed worship on Sunday.  I haven’t been able to say that in a long time.

Can’t I Have My Cake and Eat It, Too?

Think about your church.  Really think honestly; is your church generally inclusive or exclusive?

Okay, now that you’ve answered that, which should it be?

I don’t know what your answer to the first question was.  But, it seems like the obvious answer to the second is that your church should be inclusive, whether is actually is or not. 

That makes sense; all are welcome.  But… then what?  All are welcome and then all can bear the title “member” of such-and-such congregation?  Can anyone and everyone just join the church?  Mumble a “repeat-after-me” prayer and all is good?  If they disagree with the theology taught in the Bible study they’re attending, they can create their own group and teach whatever they want?  Really?

Really?

Shouldn’t there be some exclusivity?  Shouldn’t there be some standard of beliefs?   I’m not saying it should be exclusive to the point that the “in-crowd” looks down their noses at new-comers or at people with earrings in their faces.  The church should open her doors to anyone who wishes to participate in the peaceful worship of God.  Rather, I mean exclusive in its beliefs.  If you’re really wanting to covenant with a church, then you really should commit to its foundational beliefs.  And those beliefs should be fairly specific because, you know, the Bible is quite a bit more than just general suggestions for a reasonably successful life. 

This is one of the dilemmas I face.  On the one hand, I see how some churches get too “legalistic.”  They have a quite biblical perspective, (or at least, they probably used to), but they have no love or compassion.  They’re pharisaical.  On the other extreme, however, is absolute freedom.  No rules, no standards, no expectations.

First Legalistic Church creates rigid, judgemental, dead-inside bigots. 

Loosey-Goosey Community by the Stream fosters deluded, biblically ignorant, irrelevant followers of whatever eases their conscience.

I don’t think either is cultivating a deep love for our Savior.  They’re both busy patting themselves on the backs for being right, but is either really leading their flock down the straight and narrow? 

I get so frustrated when I think about visiting more churches.  I am worried about seeing the same things over and over again and it makes me wonder:  Is there no in-between? 

I want a church that reveres the Word of God so much that the Bible is deeply studied, seriously discussed, and sincerely applied.  I also want this church to openly and passionately love broken people, regardless of their hairstyle, choice in pants, or general musical preference.  I want a church that believes and teaches the Bible sincerely, even the hard parts.  I want a church that will love me and challenge me.  I want a church that is merciful and kind, yet honest and theologically sound.  

Oh, I would also like a church with some friendly people in it who are interested in making new friends.    

I don’t just want it; I need it. 

Oh, Church, where are you?

 

(I know this is probably coming across as very cynical.  You’re right.  But I’m just being honest about how I feel right now.  I really just want a place to call “home”.)

Enjoy Your Day Off…

…if you have one!  I do, but I don’t.  No school, but, of course, the bridal store is open!  Luckily, it’s a short day and I should be out by early afternoon. 

In any event, I hope you remember to thank God for what this day means.  Thank God for revolutionaries.  Thank God for glimpses of justice and grace.

I also hope that we all take the opportunity to remember that we have great responsibility.  Where there is injustice and false teaching, we must stand.  We must be lights for the Truth, even if we stand alone. 

 

“But the judgment of God is upon the church as never before. If today’s church does not recapture the sacrificial spirit of the early church, it will lose its authenticity, forfeit the loyalty of millions, and be dismissed as an irrelevant social club with no meaning for the twentieth century. Every day I meet young people whose disappointment with the church has turned into outright disgust.”

~Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Letter from a Birmingham Jail

Uncomfortable

I want you out of your comfort zone. I want you dependent on me and if to do that I have to pull you out of your comfort zone, then I will…  You define comfort as ‘doing things you already know how to do, repeating the things you’ve always done, and never being nervous.’ That’s wrong. Your definition of comfortable is really the definition of ’stagnant.’ ¹

Oh my.  This really spoke to me.  I’m out of my comfort zone just about every day lately.  God has seen fit to not give me what I wanted and to offer instead perfect provision packaged in everything I didn’t want, so that He might highlight my hypocrisy, my sense of entitlement, my selfishness, and my ugly heart.  My comfort zone would have been teaching 8th or 11th grade U.S. History.  (You know, because I’ve done it before and I’m good at it.)  Instead, I’m substituting and working retail on commission.  

A couple of months ago, I felt so far above these jobs that I couldn’t even see them as a real possibility.  Somewhere deep down, I thought God would save me at just the last second from having to do these things.  Now, in fact, I think much of the saving was in making me do these things.  He’s definitely taken me down a few notches.  Even more importantly, I’ve grown a lot.

My Yeshua has put me in some very difficult situations through subbing and selling.  He’s confronted parts of myself that need to change.  He’s also shown me parts of myself that I didn’t know I had.  I’m not a salesman.  I didn’t think I could work on commission.  But, I’m doing it.  I also didn’t think I could substitute.  I really didn’t.  It scared me.  In my journal on 8/14/08:

I’m so scared.  I’m scared to substitute because I feel like I can’t do it.  I’m also scared because it means a second job for me…  I guess I just look forward and see things getting really tough and that makes me really scared.

And in the margin:

9-30-08:
Fourth day subbing and no one has died!  And I’m a big girl – two jobs are doable.  [Bridal store] is fun so far!  And Jesus is faithful.  It’s tough, but God is sovereign.

It hasn’t been perfect.  A kid pretended to murder me and I’ve been reprimanded for not being pushy enough as a salesperson.  I’ve cried a lot over the whole thing.  It’s not roses and butterflies.  But, then again, refining fires never are.  As He chips away my pride and lays bare the raw insecurities that I work so hard to conceal, I find my only option is to press into Him.  Isn’t that the point?  And isn’t that beautiful?

…

On another note, my husband suggested a while back that I get myself certified to teach English as well, but I didn’t want to because it’s not my field.  My degree is in history.  It’s what I do and it’s what I like.  It’s my field.  It’s my comfort zone.  Belatedly, and with a $75 late fee, I am scheduled to take the English certification test on November 8.  We’ll see what happens. 

 

¹Quoted from #429 Treating God Like a Juice Machine over at Stuff Christians Like.  If you’ve never read that blog, you should.  It’s searingly close to home for all us BBBs, yet usually packaged in hilarity.  Great stuff.